whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
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CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.