Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
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“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice