Life is a suicide mission.
You Might Also Like
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Hamburger Hinderer.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?