Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of envydatropic's best tweets

@envydatropic : I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn't rained yet. Who broke the weather?

@envydatropic: If I ever tried to "cook the books" they'd end up burnt and that's why I'm not an accountant

@envydatropic: Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

@envydatropic: Squirrels run around looking for food because they don't have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

@envydatropic: *Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

@envydatropic: Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China

@envydatropic: I just don't think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

@envydatropic: I had a friend call to say they're on their way over. I couldn't think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I'm not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don't answer the phone. Ever.

@envydatropic: My New Year's resolution was to lose weight. Was going good until I woke up this morning.

@envydatropic: I'm buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don't know how to tell my family that I'm out of money for Christmas gifts