@envydatropic: If I ever tried to "cook the books" they'd end up burnt and that's why I'm not an accountant
@envydatropic: Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
@envydatropic: Squirrels run around looking for food because they don't have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
@envydatropic: *Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
@envydatropic: I had a friend call to say they're on their way over. I couldn't think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I'm not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don't answer the phone. Ever.
@envydatropic: My New Year's resolution was to lose weight. Was going good until I woke up this morning.
@envydatropic: I'm buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don't know how to tell my family that I'm out of money for Christmas gifts