Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of envydatropic's best tweets

@envydatropic : You never worry about the size of your doctor's fingers until you need a rectal exam. I know this now.

@envydatropic: Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

@envydatropic: The Heimlich maneuver doesn't work when you choke on your own words.....I know this now

@envydatropic: My family was totally confused tonight because there's a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don't do that

@envydatropic: Accidentally bought something by clicking "OK" 6 times then "place order"

@envydatropic: Blew my nose.......lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

@envydatropic: Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they've had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

@envydatropic: I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work..... I've never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

@envydatropic: I print everything at work because I'm not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home