Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of envydatropic's best tweets

@envydatropic : I only block people that deserve it and those I don't like because of completely made up scenarios.

@envydatropic: Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

@envydatropic: It's October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

@envydatropic: If you say "I'm fine" while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won't believe you but they will also leave you alone.

@envydatropic: I reached for my best friend and she wasn't there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I'm OK now.

@envydatropic: I drink coffee because I don't think I would do well going to prison for murder.

@envydatropic: I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on......I don't think cars are supposed to make the sounds I'm hearing.

@envydatropic: I'm at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

@envydatropic: Not to brag but my family won't have to argue about all the money I won't be leaving them when I die.

@envydatropic: People are asking me questions like they can't see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.