Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of envydatropic's best tweets

@envydatropic : My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

@envydatropic: Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

@envydatropic: Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

@envydatropic: Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

@envydatropic: They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress.........THEY DON'T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

@envydatropic: I'm not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I'm just saying my dog's breath was minty fresh this morning.

@envydatropic: WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

@envydatropic: According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80's that brought you any level of fame

@envydatropic: I dunno but if I was a "doctor to the stars" I sure wouldn't be bragging about it these days