yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
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Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.