I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
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FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”