Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
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If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either