The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
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I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*