@ericsshadow: 1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let's split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
@ericsshadow: My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
@ericsshadow: COP: Is this man bothering you ma'am?
ME: She's my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
@ericsshadow: 6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
@ericsshadow: When I was a kid I had to say "yes, sir" and "no, sir." My son just threatened to call 911 because I'm making him eat a hotdog.
@ericsshadow: [shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
@ericsshadow: WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn't have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
@ericsshadow: My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth... their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.