@ericsshadow: ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
@ericsshadow: [traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I'm speaking to you
@ericsshadow: Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
@ericsshadow: My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
@ericsshadow: ME: I had salmon for lunch.
WIFE: the L is silent.
ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch.
@ericsshadow: 1985: call me on the new line in my room
2000: call me on my mobile flip phone
2015: don't call me
@ericsshadow: "GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE"
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can't do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
@ericsshadow: My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
@ericsshadow: My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment 'our love is priceless' for under $75?