@ericsshadow: ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
@ericsshadow: What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
@ericsshadow: [wakes up screaming]
HER: you're safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
@ericsshadow: THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
@ericsshadow: "Dad, you called me my brother's name."
I'm sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
@ericsshadow: GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
@ericsshadow: Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
@ericsshadow: A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
@ericsshadow: DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what's this for?
ME: it's a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*