Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ericsshadow's best tweets

@ericsshadow : [shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk [shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

@ericsshadow: WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn't have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

@ericsshadow: My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth... their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

@ericsshadow: [uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

@ericsshadow: ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I'm a bartender. You're at a bar.

@ericsshadow: Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

@ericsshadow: 8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth

@ericsshadow: WOMAN: some people shouldn't have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

@ericsshadow: FBI: If you testify you'll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I'll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

@ericsshadow: STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN'T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.