@ericsshadow: My wife just texted "I'm too young to die" after they announced her United flight is overbooked.
@ericsshadow: I've made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they're both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
@ericsshadow: How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
@ericsshadow: Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
@ericsshadow: ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
CIA: check your other pocket
@ericsshadow: Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn't miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
@ericsshadow: At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I've changed a lot since then, for instance, now I'm 42.
@ericsshadow: Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn't ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
@ericsshadow: ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more