Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ericsshadow's best tweets

@ericsshadow : 1st date: get whatever you want 2nd date: these desserts are expensive 3rd date: let's split an appetizer 4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

@ericsshadow: My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

@ericsshadow: COP: Is this man bothering you ma'am?

ME: She's my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

@ericsshadow: 6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

@ericsshadow: When I was a kid I had to say "yes, sir" and "no, sir." My son just threatened to call 911 because I'm making him eat a hotdog.

@ericsshadow: [shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

@ericsshadow: WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn't have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

@ericsshadow: My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth... their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

@ericsshadow: [uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

@ericsshadow: ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I'm a bartender. You're at a bar.