Funny Tweeter

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Page of ericsshadow's best tweets

@ericsshadow : DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what's this for? ME: it's a tip DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight ME: *hands him $20 bill*

@ericsshadow: My wife just texted "I'm too young to die" after they announced her United flight is overbooked.

@ericsshadow: I've made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they're both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

@ericsshadow: How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

@ericsshadow: Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

@ericsshadow: ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

@ericsshadow: Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn't miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

@ericsshadow: At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I've changed a lot since then, for instance, now I'm 42.

@ericsshadow: Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn't ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

@ericsshadow: ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more