Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ericsshadow's best tweets

@ericsshadow : STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN'T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

@ericsshadow: ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

@ericsshadow: What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

@ericsshadow: [wakes up screaming]
HER: you're safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

@ericsshadow: THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth

EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*

ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*

@ericsshadow: "Dad, you called me my brother's name."

I'm sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

@ericsshadow: GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

@ericsshadow: Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

@ericsshadow: A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

@ericsshadow: DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what's this for?

ME: it's a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*