Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ericsshadow's best tweets

@ericsshadow : Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn't ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

@ericsshadow: ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

@ericsshadow: [traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I'm speaking to you

@ericsshadow: Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

@ericsshadow: My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

@ericsshadow: ME: I had salmon for lunch.
WIFE: the L is silent.
ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch.

@ericsshadow: 1985: call me on the new line in my room

2000: call me on my mobile flip phone

2015: don't call me

@ericsshadow: "GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE"

KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can't do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much

@ericsshadow: My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

@ericsshadow: My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment 'our love is priceless' for under $75?