@ericsshadow: Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
@ericsshadow: 8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
@ericsshadow: WOMAN: some people shouldn't have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
@ericsshadow: FBI: If you testify you'll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I'll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
@ericsshadow: STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN'T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
@ericsshadow: ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
@ericsshadow: What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
@ericsshadow: [wakes up screaming]
HER: you're safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet