I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
You Might Also Like
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
congratulations to them
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?