I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
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The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Unexpected Judgment
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.