4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
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Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Breaking news:
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Buck naked
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.