Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
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I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.