Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
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When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs