Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
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Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
It’s the weekend y’all
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.