when you don’t want to be too vague
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simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*