I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
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men what’s stopping you from looking like this
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.