I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
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You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
put ‘er there pardner!
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”