Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
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If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.