my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
constantly working on myself.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman