Funny Tweeter

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Page of ewfeez's best tweets

@ewfeez : Can you even imagine the pressure of being a janitor at MIT?

@ewfeez: [Kool-Aid Man breaks thru wall]
Oh ya!
[breaks 2nd wall]
Oh ya!
[3rd wall]
[breaks 4th wall]
I've had many, many concussions

@ewfeez: The best thing about being Bane has gotta be that he can just slice a hardboiled egg straight into his pie hole

@ewfeez: I wanna work at a bank so I can get that employee discount on money

@ewfeez: I can turn anything into a boomerang just by throwing it straight up

@ewfeez: Start reading to your kids as early as possible. I start around 2:30 a.m.

@ewfeez: Whenever a guy named Stephen tries to tell me what to do I shout, "you're not my real hen!" and run away

@ewfeez: "We've traced the call. It's coming from INSIDE THE HORSE!"

-Trojan 911 dispatcher

@ewfeez: [wife walks in on me rubbing coconut oil all over my body]
What are you doing?
"Uhh, SOMEONE said I don't glisten very well?"

@ewfeez: If u want to get out of a conversation in public just say "I've gotta take this" then steal the nearest for-sale item and get arrested.