“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
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My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
This forever.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Seas the day!!!!