ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
As the Lord intended
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I forgot how to panic. Help
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
The Struggle