If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
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Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
My life in a nutshell
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.