People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
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“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
stand with me against insufficient seating
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE