another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
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Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
The news is so predictable nowadays
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam