A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
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*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off