My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
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Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Breakfast for Stoners:
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
FRED: right
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.