Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
You Might Also Like
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.