Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
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Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too