Thanks to a fan for this one.
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British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”