[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
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The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
i actually laughed 😩
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh