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Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.