In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
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[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.