Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
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It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.