Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
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Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.