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I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis