[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
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Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?