Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
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Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Help Wanted
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Haha good job!!
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…