Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower