Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
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BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.