Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
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They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”