Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ficklenuts's best tweets

@ficklenuts : I learned 2 things today: My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck That won't stop her from trying to fight an average duck

@ficklenuts: My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

@ficklenuts: [first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

@ficklenuts: Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

@ficklenuts: Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

@ficklenuts: Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

@ficklenuts: “Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.