The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
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Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*