I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
You Might Also Like
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft