No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
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A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Why font matters.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
#SaturdayBears
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.