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Page of fishbowel's best tweets

@fishbowel : Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

@fishbowel: Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

@fishbowel: Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

@fishbowel: Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull

@fishbowel: Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

@fishbowel: Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

@fishbowel: Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

@fishbowel: Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

@fishbowel: Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

@fishbowel: Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you'll love it