BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
You Might Also Like
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋