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Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.