*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
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I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Netflix and you sit over there.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Donkey Kong sommelier
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’