I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
You Might Also Like
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Good morning y’all ☀️
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.