If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
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NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
You learn something every day
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Best seat on the street 😍
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.