“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
You Might Also Like
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying