Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of flashember's best tweets

@flashember : [inventor of the zoo] *sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air* this has to stop

@flashember: In the name of "Hell Kitty", an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

"It was just a typo," sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

@flashember: You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

@flashember: Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

@flashember: [writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my "Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords" memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

@flashember: walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you're insane

@flashember: [trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

@flashember: ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn't Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

@flashember: ME: I'm so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That's not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don't listen to her Mr Butters

@flashember: [Opening questions in a murder trial]

DOLPHIN PROSECUTOR: You are a killer whale, is that correct?

KILLER WHALE: Yes.

DP: I REST MY CASE