Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of flashember's best tweets

@flashember : [Courtroom] Lawyer: It wasn't the fall that hurt you? "No sir, it was...THE GROUND!" *courtroom erupts* *handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

@flashember: *plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

@flashember: COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. "polargeists"

[very sad robot noises]

@flashember: Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully's face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

@flashember: YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

@flashember: [Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

@flashember: [to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

@flashember: WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

@flashember: [1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I'm safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

@flashember: [Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]