@flashember: In the name of "Hell Kitty", an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
"It was just a typo," sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
@flashember: You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
@flashember: Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
@flashember: [writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my "Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords" memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
@flashember: walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you're insane
@flashember: ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn't Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
@flashember: ME: I'm so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That's not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don't listen to her Mr Butters
@flashember: [Opening questions in a murder trial]
DOLPHIN PROSECUTOR: You are a killer whale, is that correct?
KILLER WHALE: Yes.
DP: I REST MY CASE