Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of flashember's best tweets

@flashember : [trying to eat a pretzel] the knot wizard hath defeated me again

@flashember: ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn't Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

@flashember: ME: I'm so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That's not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don't listen to her Mr Butters

@flashember: [Opening questions in a murder trial]

DOLPHIN PROSECUTOR: You are a killer whale, is that correct?

KILLER WHALE: Yes.

DP: I REST MY CASE

@flashember: The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

@flashember: *wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can't be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

@flashember: PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

@flashember: [Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn't the fall that hurt you?
"No sir, it was...THE GROUND!"
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

@flashember: *plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

@flashember: COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. "polargeists"

[very sad robot noises]