@flashember: ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn't Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
@flashember: ME: I'm so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That's not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don't listen to her Mr Butters
@flashember: [Opening questions in a murder trial]
DOLPHIN PROSECUTOR: You are a killer whale, is that correct?
KILLER WHALE: Yes.
DP: I REST MY CASE
@flashember: The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
@flashember: *wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can't be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
@flashember: PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Lawyer: It wasn't the fall that hurt you?
"No sir, it was...THE GROUND!"
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
@flashember: *plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
@flashember: COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. "polargeists"
[very sad robot noises]